I can’t be. It is a simple as that, but I am going to embroil you in a rant anyway. And I am afraid I have decided just at this moment to hijack this post. Unfortunately for all involved, I will be leading it away from the topic suggested by its title and towards a subject that is an old favourite of mine.
Anybody who has read my blog should know all about my fierce hatred of the Halifax adverts (https://theedexperience.wordpress.com/2011/05/13/the-halifax-adverts/). Although my keenest disgust is reserved for those furiously unfunny radio sketches, it seems to me that each and every one of their advertisements has been designed in some way with my irritation chief in mind.
Let’s have a quick gander at one shall we? Go on, don’t be like that, it’ll be fun! And a real eye opener. Trust me, you’ll see.
We will be taking the following as our example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aX_XaLmCIS0
My Lord how awful it is. Who is this guy? Something tells me he’s a prick. Oh wait, my mistake, I see he’s Thomas from Leeds. Well that really clears things up.
I think that Thomas lets himself down from the word go. Within five seconds he has inexplicably started singing, smiled at me with a pervert’s eyes, and gestured randomly towards me as if to involve me in some sort of banter like an out of touch Vicar whose opinion it is that the teenaged members of his congregation are still ten years old. What does he want from me anyway? The chances are that I have given him all of my money, it is not my fault that he has already spent it on hair gel. Or was it on that suit? It’s lovely by the way. Maybe I should tell him that.
What I really don’t understand is why he is singing. Now this question cannot be asked enough. I don’t think anybody knows the answer. Thomas certainly doesn’t – look at that gormless smile; he doesn’t know what day of the week it is.
Which leads me to ask what, exactly, is Thomas so happy about? I know he’s on a beach dancing with singing crabs and so on, and I’m sure that’s all a tremendous lark, but seriously look at the state of him! He is acting as if this advert represents the culmination of all of his hopes and dreams; of all that hard work and endeavour. Is this what his parents had in mind when they cradled him oh so softy in their arms? I doubt it. He needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror, because quite frankly he should be ashamed of himself.
Thomas, wipe that cheeky grin off your face and remove yourself from my television screen. You are a disgrace. I’m sorry son, but thems the facts.
I need to leave the toothy fool alone now, otherwise I will not be able to contain myself. I would like therefore to take a brief detour in order to thank the user who keeps putting these adverts on youtube. Quite worryingly, I do not think that he has uploaded the videos to extract the Michael. Rather, it seems that he is a genuine appreciator of the banking advert as a work of art. He has even disabled the commenting facility on some of them. It’s entirely as if he knows full well what will happen if he allows his viewers freedom of speech. Bless him.
Anyway, let’s turn at last to the topic of the post. I bank with Natwest. Now none of their adverts are nearly as bad as Halifax’s, but, as a valued customer, I am inclined to take them rather more personally. We’ve had some good times – there was the memorable ‘gansta bank’ advert, for instance – but whenever I hear that whistling moan of a theme tune my toes curl in embarrassment. Because it’s just a bit cringy, really; there’s no getting around it. Knowing nothing about money, my banking with them was an Aesthetic choice (I like purple). I worry that people may realise this and judge my taste against Natwest’s public image.
At the end of the day, there’s nothing I can do about it. I need someone to borrow from. That’s why when the nightmare begins, I draw the covers over my head and, rocking back and forth with my knees clutched tightly to my chest, repeat my mantra until the sun shines again: ‘at least I’m not with Halifax’.